Multiply is Shutting Down

30 Oct

I never got to retrieve my blogs from Friendster. So here I am trying to save what is left on Multiply.

Feels good! Mar 8, ’09 8:53 AM
The silence of the room was excruciating.
Everybody is tensed.
Feels like our lives depend on it.Then time to pass the papers to the person sitting to your left.
You just know, this is it.
The tension grows more and more.
You hear every single breathe.EXAM NA!!!
In life Dec 17, ’09 2:04 AM

Silence doesn’t always mean YES, it may also mean NO, but it is better left unsaid.

Anger doesn’t always mean hatred, it could just be a means of coping.

Laughter doesn’t always mean happiness, sometimes it’s just a mask.

Tears doesn’t always mean sorrow, it may also be an outlet of joy.

Staying away doesn’t mean it’s the end, it may also mean the best beginning.

Though life is complicated, it is always beautiful.

Painful Reality Jul 17, ’10 2:58 AM

 “Out of all the things in life that I could FEAR, the only thing that would HURT me is if YOU were not here…. I don’t want to go back to just being HALF of the equation.”

This is one of the status messages I saw on Facebook. I am going through a crisis. My boyfriend left me because he could not accept the truth. We got back together after a week. After a couple of days, I walked out of his life and decided to just let him go.

It hurts, I know. I’ve been trying to cope and understand our situation. But that’s fine. I’m trying to be strong.When I read this message, I thought, was I not complete without him? I wanted to comment: In falling in love, the greatest fear is falling out of love because it is painful. We’ve made that person an integral part of our lives. We’ve gotten used to them being around. But in reality, they were just a bonus in our lives. Without them we are still complete. Goodbyes are never easy. It simply takes time getting used to being alone—AGAIN.

Painful as it is, the real deal is we’re always going to be alone. We will face challenges on our own. Make honest and painful decisions by ourselves.

Yes, we need others to be our witnesses. We need that special someone to be our companion. We were meant to take things on our own. In the end the choices are done individually. We can never point fingers on others. The choice made as a couple is a choice made individually—you just happen to have compromised. Yet that choice of compromise is still ones personal choice.

I’m not saying this because I am over him. I’m still being tested by my heart. I know I will want to come back to him; it is just for now, I want to relearn to love myself. I fear the fact that everyday, I will have to keep my head low because the words “I love you” will never be mouthed for me. Yet, I started without him. And I just have to face the fact that all that’s left are memories. Memories that in time will fade away.

People, no matter how important or insignificant they are will walk in and out of our lives. In the end, we just need to enjoy every moment spent with them. So, fear not to be alone. They completed the extra puzzle of our lives one way or the other, but you will always be complete.


In so very few lines Jul 19, ’10 12:00 AM

I intimidate; I hurt
I get hurt
I hurt myself when my emotions are too strong
I am not suicidal
I am a witch and a bitch by choice
I am not that sorry
I stay away when I cannot properly deal with my emotions
I walk out and just don’t talk when I am upset; I tend to say mean things when I am mad
I don’t like to talk about other people; I do not like being talked about
I stay away from people who I know are no good to me
I move silently away from people I used to care for
I like to be left alone and just be in my own little corner
I don’t like being around people; it takes awhile for me to warm up
I do not believe in destiny
I believe in hard work
I play it safe; I play it right
I cry like a child; hurt as if the whole world is against me
I hug my pillow when I feel lonely
I cry in my truck
I drive when I cannot decide properly
I love unconditionally
I know how to fight for the one I love; I will hold on and be stupid
I love as if my world is all about that one special person
I sometimes don’t know when it’s time to move on
I move forward and when I do, there’s no turning back

Promises Jul 22, ’10 5:14 AM
Please do not give me broken promises.
I don’t think I can take another heart break.
For now, I’ll suck it all up.
Eventually, I’ll blow it all away.


Blind Hope Aug 24, ’10 12:44 AM

Will I See You Again?

Published by ayarae under Floating


Everyday is a battle of hope for things to get better. It’s a constant struggle to keep my emotions afloat all negativity. Maybe it simply was just that. Happiness is but a few seconds of painful memory.

During the past few months, I realized that loving someone does not always mean happiness; it can be the most painful feeling one will ever experience.

I tried to deny and fight against the old cliche that “sometimes love just ain’t enough”.

I have begged for someone to come love me back because despite the fact that I feel that the love for me has waned, I held on on what was said–I am loved truly.

Painful words has been exchanged, and more tears have been shed than I could simply imagine. Lies and selfishness won against the true meaning of love.

I am hurting. I am in pain. And I can not let go.  Yes, the problem is with me.  I just can’t move forward.

I know that baby-sitting one’s emotion is not bad, but enabling another to manipulate and control you is wrong. And unfortunately, I have reached that level. I let down my guard. Allowed myself to break the tall, strong walls I put up for years.

My love is too blind, too strong; I gave up everything. I am not angry at anyone. No, I can not be. I am way too in-love, more than people say or think I do. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and that is my problem. I cannot change another if they do not wish. Yet here I am, hoping and wishing for things to work out.

Yes, I have become the martyr, stupid  “girlfriend”. I have inflicted this pain on myself. God! I wish I could just put the blame on another, but I cannot. It is I who fell in-love.

I started this dance; and now I have ended it. For how long I will hope and wait for things to work out, or when I move on and get over this situation, I simply do not know. I do not have enough will this time and I know it.

Love complicates things. Everything could have been as simple as a-b-c and 1-2-3. Love is not supposed to hurt, yet this is how I feel. I wish for just a day, I’d be given the opportunity to read another’s mind so I’d understand.

All I know is that I am missing the warm hugs and kisses.

When will happiness finally find and save me?

September 2011 Sep 26, ’11 5:25 PM

Today, I walk as if the world has come to a halt. My life has completely deteriorated. Decisions are made with so much anger and pain.
My neurotic brain has decided to withdraw. It has forgotten how to fight.
I have asked for my life to be good. I have prayed for things to get better. Well, it has not. I hate waking up and realizing my drive has gone down. My resolve no where to be found. My reality shadowed by hopelessness.
I will try to walk. But maybe it’s best to just run away.
No prayer works. No love is strong enough to hold.
Bitterness and sorrow are all that’s left. Time has come to end.

On Hard Work and Defeat Oct 1, ’11 2:04 AM

I cannot say I feel different from what Chris Tiu felt after bagging the 4th place during the FIBA. The years/months of diligence to bring home the bacon has come to an unexpected end. One cannot help but wonder what has happened; perplexed by the fact that the wheel of fortune turned against you.

Things were working out great. Work has become more challenging than expected. The wind of love has finally been good. To plan for the future was exciting and promising. Pride sets in with confidence. To expect for better was inevitable.

But expecting comes with a price. The want for control and balance becomes a need to stay idealistic instead of realistic. Desiring for logical and specific answers is the only reasonable response to all questions when in doubt. Constant battle of personal will develop into a tiresome routine. Pretending becomes a constant. Blending in with the norms is a must. However in time, the masks will suffocate and will have to be removed.

Everything just falls out of place. The once joyful and contented spirit becomes lost amidst all that is, in reality, a crystal clear state of affairs. Decisions cannot be made with conviction. Dwelling on the pain and dissatisfaction is all that’s left. Explanations for what was lost are sought but not found. Everything is in chaos. And one ends up sulking in that small nook. To want to feel empty is better than feeling lonely because loneliness eats up every resolve one has. It does not bring harmony.

Regret. What ifs. Should haves. Could haves. All these turn one into a manic depressive state. During this time a Pensieve is helpful–lock out the painful memories because the mind is cluttered.

But maybe, acceptance is the only key. Accepting it is out of your hand. Accepting that it is not yet time. One is humbled for a reason. Learning “You are a good, but it is not your time yet. You must first fine tune and resolve all your divisions and differences,” and anticipating the tougher games/challenges in life is the best way to go. “…Just remember to be the best player that you can be. More importantly, be the best person that you can be. Hold on to those two things and you will be fine.”

Despite the defeat, be brave and continue to survive.

  • “I am looking for friends. What does that mean– ‘tame’?” “It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”
  • “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world. . . ”
  • “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
  • “It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” “Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose. . . ”
  • One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed. . .

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