“You wanna know what the truth is? I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can’t just be your buddy, because as much as I enjoy the concept of being ‘just friends’, in reality it’s a bizarre form of torture and I’m just not willing to participate in it. So right now what I wanna do is just move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore.” – Dawson’s Creek
For years after my college love story, I have put on high walls to avoid getting hurt again. I have partied like there was no tomorrow. Made wonderful friends with the opposite gender without malice. I learned to enjoy new skills for my future.
Lucky for me, I have found guys who were protectors, and never took advantage of me. I was young, bubbly and full of life. My smiles were sincere and laughter was so easy to find. I was just that–a child reared and protected by my peers. Though they have wished for me to get romantically involved, I was having so much fun being with them, I did not have the time to think about love and companionship. They were more than enough to keep the jolly me going.
As the years came and went, we parted ways. I was left to seek the future on my own. I was unafraid. In reality, I was very full of myself–overly confident and sure of what I am capable of accomplishing. I went on like a madwoman, seeking to better myself. Pushing myself to the limits. I have gone from one company to the next, loveless but unconcerned. Alone but not lonely. Believing that if he comes, he will just fall on my lap, because I do not want to risk falling in love just to fall out of it eventually. So ahead I went. I was doing just fine. Enjoying my silent days and serene nights. Loving music all the more. Imagining the books I read in my head. I was content.
Then the unexplained happened. Maybe my age was finally sinking in. I knew I’m about to miss the train. I decided to take the risk.
I have fallen twice in a span of 2-years. Been captivated by words and swept away by the dream of finally finding the RIGHT man, only to realize that they were not willing to risk as much as I did. I have hurt them by stepping on their egos as they say. I was too independent. They asked me to need them, and so I changed for them. But when I did, they felt it was wrong. The years of building my stronghold has been torn down just to please them and win their hearts.
Maybe I did try too hard–I did it all wrong. But despite the fall out, I was still waiting and hopeful because they said I was special and valued. I was their best friend.
Hurting and insulted, I tried to play it their way in the hopes that they will return to their senses and realize I am still the one for them. But the pain did not end. The longing was destroying my being every minute I live. I cried endlessly and begged for them to stay. I apologized profusely just so they would come back. I did possibly all the crazy things that can get a boy out of his wits and eventually avoid the woman he used to love. I became the girl I hated–the martyr and stupid for love.
I became angry and frustrated. Like a volcano, I erupted. All hell went loose. My calm finally defeated. My words and thoughts did not help. I was abusive and rude. I trashed every single emotion I felt. Ruined my name and destroyed any chance for a story of happy ending.
Friend. Best friend. How can one possibly say that to a person he hurt to salvage a broken relationship? How can one say that to someone who risked it all and accepted all defects and insecurities? How can someone say that when he knows the other is hurting and is still very much deeply wounded in love with him? How insensitive and selfish!
Friend. Best friend. You were put high up in a pedestal above everyone else. To consider you as that after all that has been shared is a complete insult!
It is a sadistic pleasure that I can never understand. And now I can truly say, I have learned that we can try to fix broken things but it will remain to have scratches on it that will eventually fall apart.
And so it ends to back to being strangers and staying as strangers.